my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
