It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
