tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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