Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
