A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
