you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
