In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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