Your face is a jimmy john
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
