we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
