Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
