i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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