What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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