I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
