Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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