this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize