I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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