Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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