Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
