I only kidnapped one of them. chill
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
