Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
