i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
