Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
