You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish you could order shots online.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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