You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
