just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
