tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
