I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
