they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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