When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
