I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
