Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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