She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
