$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
