don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize