I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
