You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
sarcasm needs its own font
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
