all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
