Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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