Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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