My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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