I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
