Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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