I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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