I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
