apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
