Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
