Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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