we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
