Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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