It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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