when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i love accidental penises.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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