I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
