Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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