Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize