Do you still have your period?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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