I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
